What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
