My Higher Power is John Stamos
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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