Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
