Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My breasts were aching with rage.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
