evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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