Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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