I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
