Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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