I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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