apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
