Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
as a side note pls kill me
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
