I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
God, I missed his penis.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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