3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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