He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
