Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
