her vagine was all disorganized.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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