Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
