I could make wine with my vomit
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
