After last night, I could never be a politician.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
