Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
