i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I stole a fireplace last night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
