She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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