Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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