Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
