If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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