Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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