Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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