Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
