Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
