I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
