Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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