im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
