2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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