Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
