I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
