I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
