i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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