Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
