so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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