Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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