Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
