I think I died a long time ago.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
