I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
