I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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