i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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