My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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