WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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