The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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