I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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