i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
