Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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